Revising Practice #1



Download 1.42 Mb.
Page1/3
Date15.02.2017
Size1.42 Mb.
#10896
  1   2   3
Revising Practice #1
Lauren’s English teacher has asked her students to write a report about a person they admire. Lauren has chosen to write about Michael Dell, the founder of a large computer company. As part of a peer-editing conference, you have been asked to read Lauren’s draft and to think about the corrections and improvements she should make. When you finish reading the report, answer the questions that follow.

A Modern-Day Legend
(1) Born in Houston, Texas, Michael Dell is an entrepreneur who launched a computer revolution. (2) His journey began in his college dorm. (3) He became the owner of a megawatt computer company. (4) Dell became an important legend.

(5) When Dell was eight years old, his parents had to discourage him from applying for his high school equivalency diploma, or GED. (6) Both of his parents were very successful in their careers. (7) Just four years later the boy obtained a special license and conducted a nationwide mail-order stamp auction that earned a net profit of $2,000. (8) By the age of 13, the young entrepreneur was experiencing success in the stock market.

(9) His passion for computers became apparent when he received his first computer at the age of 15. (10) Fascinated by it, the teenager spent as much time taking the computer apart as he did using it. (11) In 1983, Dell entered the University of Texas at Austin, his interest in computers led him to notice something that would change his life forever. (12) The computer dealers around town had more personal computers in stock than they could sell. (13) Dell arranged to buy some of their surplus computers. (14) He soon had a huge assortment of computers

(15) During his spare time, Dell added features to each machine. (16) He then put advertisements in local newspapers offering these computers for sale at discounted prices. (17) By the spring of 1984, the college freshman was selling nearly $50,000 in computers a month! (18) Dell decided to quit school. (19) He formed the Dell Corporation in May 1985.

(20) Developing and selling its own brand of computer, the company experienced a lot of good things. (21) Many people believe that the corporation’s achievements can be attributed to its elimination of the middleman. (22) The company made the computers, sold them directly to customers, and serviced the machines when problems occurred, unlike many computer stores at the time.

(23) No one could have predicted the success of his company. (24) In 1985 Dell Computer’s sales totaled $6 million. (25) As its stock prices skyrocketed, the company became an internationally renowned giant in the computer business. (26) Although the high-tech industry has suffered some setbacks recently, most experts agree that the computer revolution is far from over.

(27) There is little doubt that Dell and his company are still on the cutting edge of the computer business.



1. Which is the best way to combine sentences 2 and 3 to improve the essay’s logical progression as well as to help include a variety of sentences?

  1. As an owner of a megawatt computer company, he began his journey in his college dorm room which led him to become an owner of a successful company.

  2. He began his journey in his college dorm; therefore, he became the owner of a megawatt computer company.

  3. His journey, which began in his dorm room in college, led him to become the owner of a megawatt computer company.

  4. His journey ended in his college dorm room when he decided he would become the owner of a computer company.

2. Lauren wants sentence ­­­4 to more accurately convey the thesis of her essay. Which of the following could best replace this sentence to best accomplish this goal?



  1. This essay will be about how Dell is a very well-known individual who is known for his computer corporation.

  2. Even though Dell is from Texas, he has experienced success nationwide which makes him well-known.

  3. As a legend, Dell is known throughout the world because he is a modern-day legend who loves computers.

  4. Because of his ingenuity and determination, Dell became an inspirational model for success among the computer industry.

3. Which of the following would be the best topic sentence to insert at the beginning of paragraph 2 (sentences 5 - 8) to strengthen the ideas and coherence of the paragraph?



  1. Dell’s mom was a stock broker and his father was an orthodontist.

  2. Dell is a native Texan who enjoyed the hot summers and cool winters.

  3. Dell showed early signs of ambition and an interest in business.

  4. Dell landed a job washing dishes at a Chinese restaurant at the age 12

4. Sentence ­­­10 is unclear because it contains an indefinite reference. The writer can clarify the meaning of this sentence by changing ­­­it to -



  1. his ambition

  2. the machine

  3. his passion

  4. the University of Austin

5. Sentences 18 and 19 are choppy and ineffective. What is the best way to revise these sentences?



  1. After deciding to quit school in May of 1985, the Dell Computer Corporation was formed.

  2. After deciding to quit school, he formed the Dell Computer Corporation in May of 1985.

  3. The Dell Computer Corporation was formed in May 1985 because Dell decided to quit school.

  4. In May 1985, the Dell Computer Corporation was formed after school was quit by Dell.

6. Sentence 20 includes a vague word choice. Which of the following could best replace “a lot of good things” to improve the meaning of the sentence?



  1. phenomenal success

  2. an economic crisis

  3. a disappointing future

  4. an unstable achievement

7. Lauren would like to strengthen the ideas in paragraph 6 (lines 23-26) by adding specific details. Which of the following sentences could be added after sentence 25 to accomplish this goal?



  1. Dell wanted to emphasize on strong customer support and cheap prices.

  2. The Dell Corporation took many years to reach success.

  3. By the year 2000, Dell Computer had recorded $25 billion in sales.

  4. Dell’s company eventually earned a lot of money.

8. Lauren would like to improve the organization in her essay. Which of the following sentences could be removed to help improve the flow of the essay?



  1. Sentence 6

  2. Sentence 7

  3. Sentence 13

  4. Sentence 22

9. The writer wants to provide a better closing for her paper. Which of the following could best be added after sentence 27 to restate the message of this essay?



  1. The Dell Corporation will continue to be a leader among other computer businesses in the world.

  2. His innovation and ambition will continue to brand Dell a modern-day legend among this industry.

  3. Eliminating the middle man may prove to be the answer for many other computer corporations that are struggling.

  4. At the age of 27, Dell became the Chief Executive Officer of a Fortune 500 Company, the Dell Corporation.


Answer Key Revising Practice #1

Genre: Expository



Question

Answer

TEKS

R/S

Concepts

1

C

13C

R

Sentence Variety

2

D

15A

S

Thesis Statement

3

C

15A

S

Topic Sentence

4

B

13C

R

Unclear antecedent

5

B

13C

R

Sentence Variety

6

A

13C

R

Word Choice

7

C

15A

S

Supporting Details

8

A

15A

S

Organization

9

B

15A

S

Conclusion


Revision Practice #2
Roberto wrote this paper about something he thinks is very important. Read Roberto’s paper and look for the corrections and improvements he should make. When you finish reading, answer the questions that follow.

Everyday Heroes

(1) “This patient is crashing! (2) Get me two units of O negative! (3) Stat!” (4) An anxious doctor barks out the orders that could save a patient’s life. (5) A blood transmission is needed. (6) You’ve probably watched scenes like this in TV shows or movies. (7) But have you ever thought about how you can help save lives in situations like these?

(8) According to the American Red Cross, someone in the United States needs blood every two seconds. (9) People need transfusions for a wide variety of reasons. (10) There are patients who have been burned, been in accidents, or lost blood during surgery. (11) Also, whenever there is a devastating event, the need for blood can become even more critical, such as the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

(12) Donating blood is something that almost any adult can do. (13) The main requirements are that the donor be at least 17 years old, weigh at least 110 pounds, and be in good health. (14) The process usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time. (15) Most people say that it is almost painless.

(15) If you choose to donate blood, you will be asked to report to a donation site, where you’ll read about blood donation and fill out a form. (16) The information you provide will be confidential. (17) Then a doctor or a medical technician will give you a quick physical exam and ask you some important questions about your health. (18) No one else will be told your answers to these questions. (19) However, the information is necessary to make sure that you don’t have HIV or any other serious diseases that can be passed to a recipient through your blood.

(20) After the interview you’ll sit in an armchair made specifically for people who are donating blood. (21) You’ll feel a little jab in your arm, and then you’ll see it rushing down a clear tube into a plastic bag. (22) You’ll be surprised at how fast the bag will fill up! (23) The technician will remove the needle and tell you to stand up. (24) After a few more minutes, you’ll walk proudly out the door, aware that you have just given what could be a lifesaving gift for someone. (25) You’ve just become an everyday hero!


1. Roberto wants to increase the intensity created in his introduction. Which of the following would be the BEST way to rewrite sentence 5 to accomplish this goal?



  1. The blood that the patient is losing needs to be replaced as soon as possible.

  2. The patient is losing a massive amount of blood and is in desperate need of a transfusion.

  3. The anxious doctor realizes that a blood transfusion is needed when he notices the blood loss.

  4. You may know someone who has needed a blood transfusion in the past.

2. What is the most effective way to revise sentence 11?



  1. Also, whenever there is a devastating event, the need for blood can become even more critical, this happened with the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

  2. Also, there is a devastating event and the need for blood can become even more critical whenever there are terrorist attacks, such as on September 11, 2001.

  3. Also, whenever there is a devastating event, the need for blood can become even more critical than the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

  4. Also, whenever there is a devastating event, such as the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, the need for blood can become even more critical.

3. Roberto would like to add a transition to connect the paragraphs 2 and 3 more effectively. Which transition should be added to the beginning of sentence 12?



  1. Fortunately,

  2. As an example,

  3. On the contrary,

  4. In fact,

4. Roberto would like to combine the ideas in sentences 14 and 15. Which is the best way to combine these sentences?



  1. Although the process requires less than an hour of the donor’s time, most people say that it is almost painless.

  2. The process usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time, yet most people say that it is almost painless.

  3. The process usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time, and most people say that it is almost painless.

  4. Most people say the process that usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time is almost painless.

5. The meaning of sentence 21 can be improved by changing it to —



  1. them

  2. some

  3. your arm

  4. your blood

6. The writer would like to strengthen the ideas in paragraph 4 (sentences 20-25) by adding additional details. He wants to add the following sentence:



You may feel a little woozy, but after some juice and cookies, you’ll probably feel fine.

The statement above can be inserted after what sentence ?



  1. Sentence 21

  2. Sentence 22

  3. Sentence 23

  4. Sentence 24

Answer Key Revising Practice #2

Genre: Expository



Question

Answer

TEKS

R/S

Concepts

1

B

15A

S

Effective Introductions

2

D

13C

R

Sentence Variety

3

A

15A

S

Transitions

4

C

13C

R

Sentence Variety

5

D

13C

R

Unclear Antecedent

6

C

15A

S

Supporting Details



Revising Practice #3

Alonso’s English teacher asked each of her students to write a report about an admirable person. Alonso wrote this report about a famous neurosurgeon. He would like you to read his paper and think about the corrections and improvements he should make. When you finish reading, answer the questions that follow.




Download 1.42 Mb.

Share with your friends:
  1   2   3




The database is protected by copyright ©sckool.org 2022
send message

    Main page