Per our conversation, I am enclosing herewith a remittance of $25 for the balance due on my account. (18 words)
As we discussed, here is the $25 remaining on my account. (11 words)
Here is the $25 remaining on my account. (8 words)
Example 2
As pertaining to the question of whether or not to construct a new storage facility, corporate management will ascertain the appropriateness of such an issue in the near future.
Management will decide next week whether to build a new storage facility.
Tip
Avoid wordy prepositional phrases
In the amount of (for)
In order to (to)
Due to the fact that (because)
In the event that (if)
During the time that (when, while)
Five keys to effective writing
Key #3: Use jargon only when necessary
What is jargon?
Example 3
The new FMIS system from Global provides VOR/DME nav redundancy, as well as enhanced GPS capability.
Global's new flight management system provides several ways to navigate your airplane, including the latest in satellite navigation.
Example 4
While the new ST7000 provides extensive memory and is extremely user compatible, it lacks the requisite capacity for calculating at a high rate of speed.
Our computer system is easy to use and has enough memory, but it is too slow.
Example 5
Demand-side capacity combined with transmission wheeling contracts and local generation resources will be able to meet local demand and spinning reserve requirements for the next five years.
SMUD will be able to save and produce enough power to meet local needs for the next five years.
Five keys to effective writing
Key #4: Write with verbs and nouns
Use the active voice
When it is okay to use passive voice
Example 6
The company (S) sells (V) insurance (O).
Not: Insurance is sold by the company.
The construction crew repaired the road.
Not: The road was repaired by the construction company.
Tests showed the new material did not wear well.
Not: When tests were run, it was discovered that good wear is not exhibited by the new material.
