The Elements of Style, William Strunk Jr. (available online at: http://www.bartleby.com/141/):
“Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
“The secret of good writing is to strip every sentence to its cleanest components. Every word that serves no function, every long word that could be a short word, every adverb that carries the same meaning that’s already in the verb, every passive construction that leaves the reader unsure of who is doing what—these are the thousand and one adulterants that weaken the strength of a sentence. And they usually occur in proportion to the education and rank.”
-- William Zinsser in On Writing Well, 1976
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Famous Example:
“Such preparations shall be made as will completely obscure all Federal buildings and non-Federal buildings occupied by the Federal government during an air raid for any period of time from visibility by reason of internal or external illumination.”
(from a government blackout order in 1942)
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
FDR’s response:
“Tell them that in the buildings where they have to keep the work going to put something across the windows.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Example 2:
“Objective consideration of contemporary phenomena compels the conclusion that success or failure in competitive activities exhibits no tendency to be commensurate with innate capacity, but that a considerable element of the unpredictable must invariably be taken into account.”
(example by George Orwell; quoted in Sin and Syntax)
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Example 2:
“I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”
(Ecclesiastes)
Help!
This was the first sentence of a recent scientific article in the Journal of Clinical Oncology (Introduction section):
“Adoptive cell transfer (ACT) immunotherapy is based on the ex vivo selection of tumor-reactive lymphocytes, and their activation and numerical expression before reinfusion to the autologous tumor-bearing host.”
Aaaccckkkk!!!!! That sentence does not make me want to read on…
And here’s the final sentence from the same article…
“Current studies in our laboratory are focused on the logistical aspects of generating autologous-cell based patient treatments, the genetic modification of lymphocytes with T-cell receptor genes and cytokine genes to change their specificity or improve their persistence, and the administration of antigen specific vaccines to augment the function of transferred cells.”
This is academic writing at its finest: boring, unreadable, written to obscure rather than to inform!!
Another example: A sentence from Photochemistry and Photobiology…
“These findings imply that the rates of ascorbate radical production and its recycling via dehydroascorbate reductatse to replenish the ascorbate pool are equivalent at the lower irradiance, but not equivalent at higher irradiance with the rate of ascorbate radical production exceeding its recycling back to ascorbate.”
Another example: A sentence from Photochemistry and Photobiology…
“These findings imply that the rates of ascorbate radical production and its recycling via dehydroascorbate reductatse to replenish the ascorbate pool are equivalent at the lower irradiance, but not equivalent at higher irradiance with the rate of ascorbate radical production exceeding its recycling back to ascorbate.”
After much work on my part, I translated this too…
“These findings imply that, at low irradiation, ascorbate radicals are produced and recycled at the same rate, but at high irradiation, ascorbate radicals are produced faster than they can be recycled back to ascorbate.”
“Verbose is not a synonym for literary.” --(Sin and Syntax)
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Examples:
“I would like to assert that the author should be considered to be a buffoon.”
“The author is a buffoon.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
“The expected prevalence of mental retardation, based on the assumption of a normal distribution of intelligence in the population, is stated to be theoretically about 2.5%.”
Examples:
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
“The expected prevalence of mental retardation, based on the assumption of a normal distribution of intelligence in the population, is stated to be theoretically about 2.5%.”
Examples:
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
“The expected prevalence of mental retardation, based on the assumption of a normal distribution of intelligence in the population, is stated to be theoretically about 2.5%.
“The expected prevalence of mental retardation, if intelligence is normally distributed, is 2.5%.”
Examples:
Principles of Effective Writing
“To control infection with Mycobacterium tuberculosis (M. tb), a robust cell-mediated immune response is necessary, and deficiency in this response predisposes an individual towards active TB.”
“Deficiency in T-cell-mediated immune response predisposes an individual to active TB.”
Examples:
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Examples:
“This paper provides a review of the basic tenets of cancer biology study design, using as examples studies that illustrate the methodologic challenges or that demonstrate successful solutions to the difficulties inherent in biological research.”
s
and
“This paper reviews cancer biology study design, using examples that illustrate
specific challenges and solutions.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Examples:
“As it is well known, increased athletic activity has been related to a profile of lower cardiovascular risk, lower blood pressure levels, and improved muscular and cardio-respiratory performance.”
I
fitness.
“Increased athletic activity is associated with lower cardiovascular risk, lower blood pressure, and improved fitness.”
Or just:
“Increased athletic activity is associated with improved cardiovascular health.”
Or, use verbs:
Increased athletic activity reduces cardiovascular risk and improves cardiovascular performance.
is associated with
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Hunt down and cast out all unneeded words that might slow your reader.
“Loud music exploded from speakers embedded in the walls, and the entire arena shook as the hungry crowd leaped to its feet.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Compare:
“Loud music came from speakers embedded in the walls, and the entire arena moved as the hungry crowd got to its feet.”
With:
“Loud music exploded from speakers embedded in the walls, and the entire arena shook as the hungry crowd leaped to its feet.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Pick the right verb!
The WHO reports that approximately two-thirds of the world’s diabetics are found in developing countries, and estimatesthat the number of diabetics in these countries will double in the next 25 year.
The WHO estimates that two-thirds of the world’s diabetics are found in developing countries, and projects that the number of diabetics in these countries will double in the next 25 years.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Don’t kill verbs and adjectives by turning them into nouns.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Obtain estimates of
Has seen an expansion in
Provides a methodologic emphasis
Take an assessment of
Weak verbs
Formerly spunky verbs transformed into boring nouns
estimate
has expanded
emphasizes methodology
assess
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Provide a review of
Offer confirmation of
Make a decision
Shows a peak
review
confirm
decide
peaks
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
6. Eliminate negatives; use positive constructions instead
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
He was not often on time
He usually came late.
She did not think that studying writing was a sensible use of one’s time.
5. Use strong verbs and avoid turning verbs into nouns
6. Eliminate negatives; use positive constructions instead
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Examples (you’ll be doing this for homework!)
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Let’s dissect this sentence:
“It should be emphasized that these proportions generally are not the result of significant increases in moderate and severe injuries, but in many instances reflect mildly injured persons not being seen at a hospital.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
It should be emphasized that these proportions generally are not the result of significant increases in moderate and severe injuries, but in many instances reflect mildly injured persons not being seen at a hospital.
Dead weight!!
Can we use a more informative adjective than a pronoun? What’s important about “these” proportions?
More dead weight.
Ask yourself, what does the sentence loose without this qualifier?
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
It should be emphasized that these proportions generally are not the result of significant increases in moderate and severe injuries, but in many instances reflect mildly injured persons not being seen at a hospital.
“The result of”due to
“In many instances”often
Use positives.
Watch out for awkward uses of “to be”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Shifting proportions in injury severity may reflect stricter hospital admission criteria rather than true increases in moderate and severe injuries.
Principles of Effective Writing
“The fear expressed by some teachers that students would not learn statistics well if they were permitted to use canned computer programs has not been realized in our experience. A careful monitoring of achievement levels before and after the introduction of computers in the teaching of our course revealed no appreciable change in students’ performances.”
Really long subject!
negatives
Passive voice
wordy
Principles of Effective Writing
“The fear expressed by some teachers that students would not learn statistics well if they were permitted to use canned computer programs has not been realized in our experience. A careful monitoring of achievement levels before and after the introduction of computers in the teaching of our course revealed no appreciable change in students’ performances.”
Really long subject!
Buried predicate + boring verb
“hedge” word
Principles of Effective Writing
“Many teachers feared that the use of canned computer programs would prevent students from learning statistics. We monitored student achievement levels before and after the introduction of computers in our course and found no detriments in performance.”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
On a scrap of paper,
Try dissecting:
Review of each center’s progress in recruitment is important to ensure that the cost involved in maintaining each center’s participation is worthwhile.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
On a scrap of paper,
Try dissecting:
Review of each center’s progress in recruitment is important to ensure that the cost involved in maintaining each center’s participation is worthwhile.
Watch vague descriptors such as “important” and “worthwhile”
“to be” is a weak verb
SVO? When’s the verb coming?
Clunky phrase
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
One possible rewrite:
Reviewing center recruitment progress ensures cost-effectiveness.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
And finally…
This week’s Top 5 countdown:
During each class, we’ll review 5 common writing mistakes (and sure signs of amateurism!).
If you commit each set to memory, by the end of the quarter you’ll have learned how to avoid 45 common mistakes.
But first… A little writing humor… or “the importance of careful grammar…”
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Top 5:
1. The word “data” is plural.
ex: These data are important.
The data are important.
(v. datum, singular form)
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Top 5:
2. Affect v. effect
Affect is the verb “to influence”
The class affected her.
As a noun, affect denotes feeling or emotion shown by facial expression or body language, as in “The soldiers seen on television had been carefully chosen for blandness of affect” (Norman Mailer).
Effect is the noun form of this influence
The class had an effect on her.
As a verb, effect means to bring about or to cause, as in “to effect a change”
Example: recent headline…
Terrorist Plots Effect the Beauty Industry
Correct:
Terrorist Plots Affect the Beauty
Industry
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Top 5:
3. More than v. over
Do not use over to describe relative amounts.
More than = greater than
Over = physically above
wrong: She raised over $500.
right: She raised more than $500.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Top 5:
4. Compared to v. compared with
Compare to = to point out similarities between different things
Compare with** (used more often in science) = to point out differences between similar things
ex: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”
ex: Brain tumors are relatively rare compared with more common cancers, such as those of the lung, breast, and prostate.
More writing humor…
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING -- BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS. Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Top 5:
5. That v. which
“That” is the restrictive (defining) pronoun
“Which” is the nonrestrictive (non-defining) pronoun
What’s the difference between these two?
The vial that contained her DNA was lost.
The vial, which contained her DNA, was lost.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Top 5:
That/which
Example: Other disorders which have been found to co-occur with diabetes include heart disease and foot problems.
that
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 More on that/which
Key question: Is your clause essential or non-essential?
THAT: The essential clause cannot be eliminated without changing the meaning of the sentence.
WHICH: The non-essential clause can be eliminated without altering the basic meaning of the sentence (and must be set off by commas).
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 More on that/which
The lawn mower that is broken is in the garage. (Identifies which* lawn mower.)
The lawn mower, which is broken, is in the garage. (Adds a fact about the only mower in question).
* note use of which as adjective! (v. pronoun)
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 More on that/which
“Careful writers, watchful for small conveniences, go which-hunting, remove the defining whiches, and by doing so improve their work.” –Strunk and White
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 More on that/which
From physicist Richard Feynman:
“When we say we are a pile of atoms, we do not mean we are merely a pile of atoms because a pile of atoms which is not repeated from one to the other might well have the possibilities which you see before you in the mirror.”
that
that
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 More on that/which
Another example:
Stroke incidence data are obtained from sources, which use the ICD (International Code of Diseases) classification systems.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 More on that/which
Stroke incidence data are obtained from sources…?
Is the clause essential? Is it defining the subject?
Yes!
use “that”
Scientific Writing, HRP 214
Stroke incidence data are obtained from sources, which use the ICD (International Code of Diseases) classification systems.
that
More writing humor…
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
More writing humor…
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much About you. (I think they meant hello)
Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
More humor…
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving and Jessica were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
More humor…
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. (Do you think they meant sing?)
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Preview to next time…
Next time you read a newspaper, pay attention to the following:
1. How many letters are in an average word?
2. How many words are in an average sentence?
3. How many sentences are in an average paragraph?
Scientific Writing, HRP 214 Homework for next time…