Listed below are the uc prompts for 2012. Choose one of the prompts to answer. For this assignment, your essay must be the longer of the two essays. The Personal Statement

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Listed below are the UC Prompts for 2012. Choose one of the prompts to answer. For this assignment, your essay must be the longer of the two essays.
The Personal Statement (taken from the web site)

In reading your application, we want to get to know you as well as we can. There’s a limit to what grades and test scores can tell us so we ask you to write a personal statement.

Your personal statement is your chance to tell us who you are and what’s important to you. Think of it as your opportunity to introduce yourself to the admissions and scholarship officers reading your application. Be open, be honest, be real. What you tell us in your personal statement gives readers the context to better understand the rest of the information you’ve provided in your application.
A couple of tips: Read each prompt carefully and be sure to respond to all parts. Use specific, concrete examples to support the points you want to make. Finally, relax. This is one of many pieces of information we consider in reviewing your application; an admission decision will not be based on your personal statement alone.
Instructions and Prompts:

  • Respond to both prompts, using a maximum of 1,000 words total

  • You may allocate the word count as you wish. If you choose to respond to one prompt at greater length, we suggest your shorter answer to be no less than 250 words.

  • Stay within the word limit.

  • The personal statement that you submit should be about you and personal. This is not a time to be embarrassed or shy about what you have experienced or have accomplished.  This is the platform to describe your hopes, ambitions, and life experiences.  Applicants should complete the essay as if they were telling a story.  Their own story about their life and college experience.  Students should be expressive and honest.

Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)

Describe the world you come from – for example, your family, community or school – and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Option A: Look at prompts. For example, before you begin to write, think of as many different approaches to answering the questions as you can. How might you interpret community or family in a unique way? What dreams and aspirations can you discuss that will engage the reader? When you are first asked to describe yourself, what words come to mind? Look at Who Am I? for review.

Option B: Choose a prompt from a private school or for a scholarship. It is essential

that you submit the prompt with your statement

Due Dates:
First Rough Draft Monday, October 1 15 pts
2nd Rough Draft Monday, October 8 15 pts
Edit Draft Friday, October 12 15 pts
Final Draft Monday, October 22 50 pts
Since this is a document that must be perfect, spend time editing. You must show evidence of revision in each draft. For each draft, make sure to have another editor besides a classmate or your teacher.

The UC personal statement prompt #1 states, "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." It's a question that every freshman applicant to one of the nine undergraduate UC campuses must answer.

The prompt sounds simple enough. After all, if there's one subject you know something about, it's the surroundings in which you live. But don't be fooled by how accessible the question appears to be. Admission to the University of California system is remarkable competitive, especially for some of the more elite campuses, and you should think carefully about the subtleties of the prompt.

Before answering the question, consider the purpose of the essay. The admissions officers want to get to know you. The essays are the one place where you can truly present your passions and personality. Test scores, GPAs, and other quantitative data do not really tell the university who you are; instead, they show that you are a capable student. But what really makes you you? Each of the UC campuses receives far more applications than they can accept. Use the essay to show how you differ from all the other capable applicants.

The personal statement is, obviously, personal. It tells the admissions officers what you value, what gets you out of bed in the morning, what drives you to excel. Make sure your response to prompt #1 is specific and detailed, not broad and generic. To answer the prompt effectively, consider the following:

  • "World" is a versatile term. The prompt gives "your family, community and school" as examples of possible "worlds," but they are just three examples. Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? Is it your team? The local animal shelter? Your grandmother's kitchen table? Your church? The pages of a book? Someplace where your imagination likes to wander?

  • Focus on that word "how." How has your world shaped you? The prompt is asking you to be analytical and introspective. It is asking you to connect your environment to your identity. It is asking you to project forward and imagine your future. The best responses to prompt #1 highlight your analytical abilities.

  • Avoid the obvious. If you write about your family or school, it's easy to focus on that teacher or parent who pushed you to excel. This isn't necessarily a bad approach to the essay, but make sure you provide enough specific details to paint a true portrait of yourself. Thousands of students could write an essay about how their supportive parents helped them succeed. Make sure your essay is about you and isn't something that thousands of other students could have written.

  • Your "world" doesn't have to be a pretty place. Adversity sometimes shapes us more than positive experiences. If your world has been filled with challenges, feel free to write about them. You never want to sound like you are whining or complaining, but a good essay can explore how negative environmental forces have defined who you are.

  • Stay on target. You have just 1,000 words with which to answer prompts #1 and #2. That's not much space. Make sure every word you write is necessary. Keep these 5 essay tips in mind, follow these suggestions for improving your essay's style, and cut anything in your essay that isn't defining your "world" and explaining "how" that world has defined you.

Applying to the University of California? The UC personal statement prompt #2 states, "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?" Every freshman and transfer applicant to one of the nine undergraduate UC campuses must answer this prompt.

The breadth of prompt #2 can be paralyzing. When you have the freedom to write about any "personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience," you really have the freedom to write about almost anything at all.

The first step to answering the prompt, then, is identifying your focus. Some subjects work better than others. An essay on your game-winning goal or tackle can easily turn into a boastful essay that reveals little about you other than a healthy ego. Essays on a talent or personal quality can also strike the wrong chord if they become too solipsistic.

Always keep in mind the purpose of the essay. The UC admissions officers want to learn something about you that can't be revealed by your test scores, GPA, and list of extracurricular activities. The personal statement is one place where you can actually communicate your passions and personality.

So, what topics work best? Any, but make sure you are passionate about your subject matter. If you feel that soccer or swimming has had a major influence on you as you've grown and matured, write about soccer or swimming. If a personal tragedy has made you approach life in a new way, feel free to explore the experience. The UC admissions officers are not looking for any specific focus in your essay. Rather, they are looking for a well-crafted essay that helps them get to know you better. The essay needs to be true to you and your passions. If you can imagine another applicant submitting a nearly identical essay, you haven't succeeded in conveying your uniqueness in your personal statement.

As you consider prompt #2, keep the following in mind:

  • Do more than just "tell": The prompt begins by asking you to "tell us about" a quality, accomplishment, or experience. The word "tell," however, doesn't fully capture what the best essays actually do. First off, it's always better to "show" than to "tell." Bring your subject to life. Also, telling about an experience should be about more than summing up what happened. In the process of "telling," you should also be analytical and reflective. Reveal your critical thinking abilities through your writing.

  • Tread softly around that word "proud": Hubris brought down Agamemnon, and pride is often considered the worst of the Seven Deadly Sins. When the prompt asks you to explain how your quality or experience "makes you proud," be careful to steer clear of a response that is boastful. Your tone will be more palatable if your personal statement shows humility. I like to think of the essay not in terms of pride, but as an exploration of something that is worthy of admiration.

  • Focus on that word "how." How has the focus of your essay made you the person you are today? A good essay needs to explore thoughtfully this cause and effect. Introspection and analysis are key here.

  • Attend to the style, mechanics, and tone of your essay: With only 1,000 words with which to answer prompts #1 and #2, your personal statement needs to be lean and engaging. Keep these 5 essay tips in mind, follow these suggestions for improving your essay's style, and cut anything that is tangential to the prompt.

1. Your Drug Use

Probably every college in the country has to deal with substance abuse on campus, and most people who work at colleges have seen students' academic careers and lives ruined by drugs. If you've had problems with drugs in the past, even if you overcame those problems, the essay isn't the best place to draw attention to your use of illegal substances.

2. Your Sex Life

Yes, sex is usually a bad essay topic. The admissions officers probably don't care whether or not you have an active or interesting sex life. More importantly, an essay on your sexual experiences is going to make many readers cry, "too much information!" You don't want to write about something that might be embarrassing for your reader.

3. Your Time in Jail

Lots of successful students have had run-ins with the law, but it's not something you want to draw undue attention to in your application. The admissions staff is always working to create a safe campus community, and the image of you sitting behind bars isn't go to work in your favor.

4. Your Heroism

Sure, if you acted heroically in some way, it's a fair topic for a college admissions essay. It becomes a bad essay topic when the essay is self-absorbed and arrogant. I've read a lot of annoying essays about how an applicant single-handedly won the football game or turned a friend's life around. Humility is more pleasant to read than hubris.

5. One-Track Social, Religious or Political Lectures

Be careful with divisive issues like abortion, capital punishment, stem cell research, gun control, and the "war on terror." You can certainly write an excellent and thoughtful essay on any of these topics, but too often than not applicants stubbornly and closed-mindedly argue what they see as the "right" side of the argument. The readers of your application don't want to be lectured to, nor do they want to be told they are wrong. The chances of offending your reader are high with some of these touchy topics.

6. Woe Is Me

Writing can be excellent therapy for working through difficult and traumatic events in life -- assault, rape, abuse, incest, attempted suicide, cutting, depression and so on. However, you don't want your college admissions essay to be a self-analysis of your pain and suffering. Such topics might make your reader uncomfortable (a fine thing to do in other contexts, but not here), or they might make your reader question how ready you are for the social and academic rigors of college.

7. The Travel Journal

Colleges like students who have traveled, and travel can lead to a life-changing experience that could make a great college essay. However, travel is a remarkably common topic for college essays, and it often isn't handled well. You need to do more than highlight the fact that you have traveled. A travel essay should be an analysis of a single and meaningful experience, not a summary of your trip to France or South America.

8. A Comedy Routine

The best essays often reveal a writer's sense of humor, but the jokes shouldn't be the point of the essay. Don't use the essay to showcase how witty and clever you are. A good college admissions essay reveals your passions, intelligence and strengths. A 500-word comedy routine doesn't do this.

9. Excuses

If you had a bad semester or two in high school, it may be tempting to use the essay to explain your low grades. Perhaps you were ill, your parents were getting divorced, your best friend died, or you moved to a new country. You will want to convey this information to the college, but not in your essay. Instead, have a guidance counselor write about your bad semester, or include a short supplement with your application.

10. Your List of Accomplishments

A college application gives you a space in which to list your jobs, community involvement and extracurricular activities. Don't use your essay for repeating this information. Redundancy isn't going to impress anyone, and a tedious list of activities isn't going to make a good essay.

Rough Draft of essay

Rough Draft of Essay

Six times a week around 5:30am, we ritualistically assemble into the cold, dimly lit, locker room at the Esplanada Park Pool. One by one, we slip into our still damp drag suits and then make a mad run from the locker room through the chill of the morning air to the pool, stopping only to grab a pull-bouy and a kick board. Coastal California cools down overnight to the high 40's. The pool is artificially warmed to 79 degrees---the conflict in temperatures creates an outpouring of steam from the water's surface casting a scene more appropriate for a werewolf movie.

Thus starts another workout. 4500 yards to go, then a quick shower and five-minute drive to school. Another 5500 yards is the destiny for the afternoon. We start over again tomorrow. The objective is to find another 1/10th of second. The end goal is to have that little, unexplainable difference at the end of a race that separates success from failure, greatness from mediocrity. Somehow we accepted the pitch, otherwise we'd still be in bed now.

One mile up the road, there is a similar session at Berkeley's pool with group of the fastest swimmers in the world. They'll push even harder as what ensures their greatness is measured in 1/100th's of second and not the coarseness of 1/10th's. Somehow they have gotten beyond 'thinking about' the pursuit of greatness, having already achieved it. But from someone, who has yet to ascend to the absolute apex of the sport, questions create an extra burden.

My first swimming race was when I was 10 years old. My parents fearing eminent injury redirected my athletic direction away from ice hockey. Three weeks into the new swimming endeavor, I somehow convinced my coach to let me enter the annual age group zone meet. To his surprise and mine, I pulled out an "A" time. National "Top 16" awards through the various age groups, club records and finally National First Team All-American in the 100 fly and Second Team All-American in the 200-Medley Relay cemented an achievement in the sport. Now elevated to the Senior Championship meet series means the competition include the world class. Making finals will not be easy from here. These 'successes' were only separated from failure by tenths of a second. Yet the fine line between total commitment and tolerance continues to present friction.

This year my grandmother was hit with a reoccurrence of cancer, this time in her lungs. A person driven by good spirits and independence now faces a definite timeline. On the other side of the Pacific Ocean, my grandfather in Japan also contracted the disease, in his stomach. His situation was corrected with surgery-for now anyway. In between the laps as I search for fractions of a second, they have had to search for an extension to their lives. This comparison in struggles seems to blur the relevance of our respective goals.

As in swimming, life's successes appear to come in small increments. Sometimes a newly learned skill applied to an existing base, a little extra effort a put on top of extreme training routine, a 'good' race day, or just showing up to a workout when you body and psyche say "no" may separate a great result from a failure. What lies in between is compromise. The underlying willpower to overcome the natural resistance is what aligns one's efforts to create the energy to overcome the static. While life if finite, it is not clear that the achievement has limits, if approached in steps.

Questions to ask to revise essay?

How has dealing with your grandparents' illness affected your commitment or determination? You do a good job of showing the irony of your attempt to defeat time while your relatives try to extend it, but you should not stop there. What lesson has this taught you? Has your commitment to swimming become stronger as a result of this realization? If so, why?

In addition--and this is the overarching issue--why is your commitment to swimming relevant outside of the sports world? Do you have a similarly committed approach to other endeavors in your life? You do not want to give readers the impression that all you want to do in college is swim. Instead, you should explain why such determination is useful outside of the pool (especially in the academic realm, if you can). I integrated this idea into the last sentence of the revised essay (which I added), but be sure to personalize this point as much as possible

Edited Essay

The sun sleeps as the desolate city streets await the morning rush hour. Driven by an inexplicable compulsion, I enter the building along with ten other swimmers, inching my way toward the cold, dark locker room of the Esplanada Park Pool. One by one, we slip into our still-damp drag suits and make a mad dash through the chill of the morning air, stopping only to grab pull-buoys and kickboards on our way to the pool. Nighttime temperatures in coastal California dip into the high forties, but our pool is artificially warmed to seventy-nine degrees; the temperature differential propels an eerie column of steam up from the water's surface, producing the spooky ambience of a werewolf movie. Next comes the shock. Headfirst immersion into the tepid water sends our hearts racing, and we respond with a quick set of warm-up laps. As we finish, our coach emerges from the fog. He offers no friendly accolades, just a rigid regimen of sets, intervals, and exhortations.

Thus starts another workout. 4,500 yards to go, then a quick shower and a five-minute drive to school. Then it's back to the pool; the afternoon training schedule features an additional 5,500 yards. Tomorrow, we start over again. The objective is to cut our times by another tenth of a second. The end goal is to achieve that tiny, unexplainable difference at the end of a race that separates success from failure, greatness from mediocrity. Somehow we accept the pitch--otherwise, we'd still be deep in our mattresses, slumbering beneath our blankets. In this sport, the antagonist is time. Coaches spend hours in specialized clinics, analyze the latest research on training technique, and experiment with workout schedules in an attempt to defeat time. Yet there are no shortcuts to winning, and workouts are agonizing.

I took part in my first swimming race when I was ten years old. My parents, fearing injury, directed my athletic interests away from ice hockey and into the pool. Three weeks into my new swimming endeavor, I somehow persuaded my coach to let me enter the annual age group meet. To his surprise (and mine), I pulled out an "A" time. I furthered my achievements by winning "Top 16" awards for various age groups, setting club records, and being named National First Team All-American in the 100-Butterfly and Second Team All-American in the 200-Medley. I have since been elevated to the Senior Championship level, which means the competition now includes world-class swimmers. I am aware that making finals will not be easy from here--at this level, success is measured by mere tenths of a second. In addition, each new level brings extra requirements such as elevated weight training, longer weekend training sessions, and more travel from home. Time with friends is increasingly spent in the pursuit of the next swimming objective.

Sometimes, in the solitude of the laps, my thoughts transition to events in my personal life. This year, my grandmother suffered a reoccurrence of cancer, which has spread to her lungs. She had always been driven by good spirits and independence, but suddenly my family had to accept the fact that she now faces a limited timeline. A few weeks later, on the other side of the Pacific Ocean, my grandfather--who lives in Japan--learned he had stomach cancer. He has since undergone successful surgery, but we are aware that a full recovery is not guaranteed. When I first learned that they were both struck with cancer, I felt as if my own objective, to cut my times by fractions of a second, seemed irrelevant, even ironic, given the urgency of their mutual goals: to prolong life itself. Yet we have learned to draw on each other's strengths for support--their fortitude helps me overcome my struggles while my swimming achievements provide them with a vicarious sense of victory. When I share my latest award or triumph story, they smile with pride, as if they themselves had stood on the award stand. I have the impression that I would have to be a grandparent to understand what my medals mean to them.

My grandparents' strength has also shored up my determination to succeed. I have learned that, as in swimming, life's successes often come in small increments. Sometimes even the act of showing up at a workout when your body and psyche are worn out separates a great result from a failure. The difference between success and failure is defined by the ability to overcome strong internal resistance. I know that, by consistently working towards my goals--however small they may seem--I can accomplish what I set for myself, both in and beyond the swimming pool

College Application Essay

Ska, the predecessor of reggae, first appeared in Jamaica circa 1956. The ska band Reel Big Fish had their first “hit” with the song “Sell Out” from their 1996 album. The song was a direct response to accusations the band was facing. A “sell-out” is someone who deserts what they stand for in order to gain something, especially money or statue. Ever since the first time I heard it on the radio, I connected with that song and what that band was going through. In fact, my mother had just, in a way, called me a “sell-out” because I wanted to continue my high school career at one school even though it meant not living with her.

My family, especially my mother, has never been very stable. I was born when my mother was fifteen; since that time, I have had two stepfathers, one stepmother, and gained three half-sisters and a half-brother. I have been to fourteen elementary school, two high schools, and lived in an untold number of houses. Until fifth grade, my family and I lived in California, and then we moved to Arizona. We stayed there until the start of my sophomore year when we moved back to California.

We left Arizona bankrupt and with only our belongings that would fit into a U-Haul trailer. Because we didn’t have a stable place to live, I moved in with my seven-year-old half-sister Marissa’s family. Her mother and my father’s old girlfriend; I had always kept in string contact with their family even when I didn’t with my own father. Moving in wasn’t really a problem because they were just like another family to me.

The difficulty I was presented with was whether my mother would actually let me stay with Marissa’s family for my remaining years of high school. My own family never had much money, and with the bankruptcy and move we were left almost penniless. Marissa’s family, on the other hand, was very stable and at least a few tax brackets above my own family. My mother knew this, and in a way, I think she resented not being the one to live that way. She called me a “spoiled brat” and said I was deserting them for money, just like a “sell-out”. Although devastated and faced with a dilemma, I had to make a clear-minded choice. I could move back in with my mother, but that would ruin my chances of getting the most out of high school. On the other hand I could, for the first time, stand-up to my mother and do what I knew to be best for me in the long run – stay with Marissa’s family in order to take advantage of my time in high school.

I chose to stay with Marissa’s family to finish school and am sticking to it. I had a long talk with my mother about what I thought and felt; she was left speechless. Although she hated to admit it, she knew that what I said about school and my future was true. No matter what happened, I refused to change schools again, and I took all my inner strength to be able to tell my mother that.

Even though I consider myself rather intelligent, out-going, and characteristic, none of that mattered until I learned to really think for myself. Through determination, I learned to not just be a drone or robot that can be programmed. When faced with my greatest challenge, my mother, I preserved. I didn’t just obey mindlessly, and as a result, felt like a true individual.

It seems strange that in order to stay true to myself, a quality contradictory with being a “sell-out”, I had to endure being called a “sell-out”. By doing nothing I would have truly been a sell-out. I would have been denying what I stand for and ignoring everything that makes me who I am. Sometimes a tern like “sell-out” depends on someone’s perspective; being called that by someone else doesn’t matter as long as you know you’re staying true to yourself and doing what you know to be right. The band Reel Big Fish was accused of selling-out (i.e. their song “Sell-out”) because they went from a rock band to a ska band, but they haven’t really changed. They still have fun, play their music, and party; they’ve just added some horns to their tunes. I didn’t sell-out, contrary to what my mother or anyone else might think; I simply added some “horns” to my life. Everyone has to make decisions that affect their life and often times those decisions don’t always please everyone else. The statement ‘do what you think is right and not what others think you should do’ always seemed rather trite to me; however, I’ve discovered through experience that it can and does have a deep meaning and can apply to anyone, even those who think it’s nothing more that a clichéd comment.

These days I’ve been working to discover myself now that I’ve overcome by biggest “barrier”. Though still working hard at school, I have also been growing more involved in my faith and church. I have taken that first step and it’s exciting (although rather scary). And of course, I try to go to every ska concert I can.

For as long as I can remember, summer has consisted of the warm southern sun beating down on me as I laugh with my cousins. In the kitchen, my grandmother’s palms beat on the corn maiz of each tortilla sizzling on the hot metal. The flavors, sounds, and scents of my grandparents’ adobe home are only some of the many memories I have of the small town of Mezcala, Jalisco, Mexico. The place my parents grew up, met, and married, Mezcala is a pueblo in central Mexico where one has the comfort of knowing everyone. There is no hustle and bustle; only ranches, adobe homes, the trotting of horses, and the loud church bell ring, powerful enough to be heard throughout the entire town. However, Mezcala also includes garbage-filled streets accompanied with needy five year olds selling gum around every corner. As a child, I wondered if the rest of the world worked the same way, if only children in America were exempt from having to sell gum in order to survive. As the summers went by and I matured, poverty no longer left me with questions. Poverty made me want to help and make a change. Traveling to this warm and inviting town shaped me into who I am, giving me a reason to practice community service and a desire to help the greater good, as well as making my parents my proud.

As I’ve matured, I find myself struggling to fit in with the modern and Americanized culture I was born into while still retaining my Mexican culture and morals. I was constantly told to never play video games with my older brothers, for playing video games is an activity inappropriate for girls. I was told my place was alongside my mother who cleans, runs errands, and cooks a traditional Mexican recipe every night for dinner. Certainly, my parents’ traditional customs don’t easily coincide with the discoveries and opportunities I have uncovered in the past years.

Accordingly, my addiction for documentary films is one that my parents have yet to fully comprehend. Watching documentaries is a passion of mine stemming out from the desire to learn and discover more about this world. Documentaries have introduced me to the world of Middle Eastern cultures and religion, the 1960s and 1970s revolutionist movements, social issues in foreign countries, and other eclectic matters. Documentaries fed my desire to travel to “third world” countries, want to pursue a career in medicine, and even attempt being a vegetarian at some point. Explaining such desires to my parents, I could see the worry lines on my mother’s forehead protrude and my father’s lips preparing for a lecture. Although I have the academic support of my parents, I realize it will take them a while to accept my seemingly eccentric ways.

My discoveries challenge the norms of my parents’ generation, counteracting the belief that a woman’s first and only priorities are to be a wife and mother. However, following these conventional traditions is the last thing I want to do. I thrive on my independence and friendly nature, confident in the fact that these traits will take far beyond being a housewife. Consequently, finding balance between the ideal image of a morally correct Mexican-American daughter and an inquisitive teenager wanting to explore far beyond the borders of a Mexican-American home has not been easy for me.

Nevertheless, I have always been more than proud of my Mexican heritage. I am proud that I am bilingual, Catholic, and have been exposed to a world larger than the safe middle-class city of Clayton, California. I am proud to have emerged as an independent Mexican-American woman who is able to integrate traditional customs with those of contemporary society. Though my parents cringe every once in a while as I explain an out of the ordinary initiative, I know that they are beginning to accept these passions as something that will get me far in life rather than a flaw. I only hope that I continue to challenge and expose myself to a world greater than my own so that I can continue to thrive and develop who I am, all while still retaining the good old country customs.

Name of Writer_______________

Name of Editor_______________

Personal Statement First Peer Edit

  1. Does the opening interest you? Does it show not tell a story?

Is there another part of the essay that you would suggest for the opening?

  1. Does the paper answer the prompt? If not, why not?

  1. Has the writer demonstrated how/why this topic is personally significant to her/him? Suggestions.


  1. Has the writer shown the universal significance? Do you see a universal significance not mentioned? Write it down.

  1. How would you suggest the writer improve this paper? Look at the pages of tips I’ve given you—what does the writer need to do?

Personal Statement Second Edit Draft

1) Read aloud your partner’s paper—make changes where necessary.

2) Is the opening compelling? Suggestions?

3) Is the paper compelling? Does it have a clear voice? Is it a bit flat, uninteresting? Be honest. Write down what you like and dislike. Would you accept the student to your university based on this statement?



3) Reflect on the Tightening Sheet—edit for excessive whooery---which, who or that

All or what—take them out—tighten writing

4) Diction—use expressive, vital, vivid words---underline simplistic diction—give suggestions for changes.

5) TRANSITIONS—I won’t give anything other than a low C with papers that lack transitions. Take out your transitions sheets and revise.
Personal Statements Editing

  1. Omit needless words: EVERY WORD SHOULD COUNT

  1. When I was about eight, she met a guy. He was very nice and had two kids of his own.

  2. When I was eight, she met a nice man with two kids of his own.

  1. When I wake up in the morning it’s before the sun is up and my stomach is in knots. I know that I’m hungry but I can’t eat before I have to weigh in. My dad drops me off at school and I know that it is the beginning to a long day because I know that whatever the scale says will determine my day.

  2. When I wake up in the morning it’s before the sun is up, and my stomach is tied in knots. I’m hungry, but I can’t eat before I have to weigh in. My dad drops me off at school, and I know that whatever the scale says will determine my day.

  1. I knew how strong she was, and that she was an amazing finisher…

  2. I knew that a strong, amazing finisher she was…

  1. The sense of accomplishment is overjoying to know that you did it, you proved yourself wrong and getting the respect of your friends.

  2. Once you’ve accomplished this, you know that you did, you proved yourself wrong and won the respect of your friends.

  1. One of the greatest feelings is having someone say they wish they could draw as well as I can, that just makes my day.

  2. Having someone say he wishes he could draw as well as I can makes my day.

  1. When I got there a man named Roger interviewed me. Roger seemed to be a very nice person, so did everyone else. The interview only lasted about ten minutes and ended with Roger telling me that I would be getting a call back for a second interview.

  2. When I arrived, a friendly man named Roger interviewed me for ten minutes. He ended by telling me I would be getting a call back for a second interview.

  1. Watch for the use of the fallowing words: Really, Get/got, Thing.

  1. Do not overstate: I had the best time of my life. I believe that moving to Clayton has taught me the most important aspect of my entire life. What I have shared with you are some of the most valuable lessons that I will take with me for the rest of my life.

  1. Avoid clichés

We were joined at the hip. The first inkling butterflies starts flying around my stomach. The butterflies in my stomach had only gotten worse. Ghost white chalk. I remember it like it was yesterday.

  1. Avoid redundancy

Saturday night finally came and everything was going great. This had to have been one of our best nights. The words would flow out my pen to the paper with the ease of a Sunday morning, for it helped me to cope with situations if I wrote about them. It made my life just a little more fun and pleasant. This new found stress reliever made life easier to deal with. I felt overwhelmingly content with what I helped in creating.
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