Pam Gems is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights. All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsal to Rose Cobbe, United Agents, 12-26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE, UK. Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0800.
http://unitedagents.co.uk/agents/rose-cobbe/. Assistant: Dan Usztan. Email: dusztan@unitedagents.co.uk Tel: +44 (0) 20 3214 0873. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.
FEELINGS Cast
An aging scientist A young girl
FEELINGS
SCENE ONE. STUDY. A MAN, not young, is reading in an easy chair by a table laden with books and papers. On the floor, across the room, a YOUNG GIRL, lies on her stomach reading a magazine.
She turns a page.
He turns a page.
She reaches for a biscuit tin. GIRL
Rich Tea or Ginger? He holds out a hand without raising his eyes from the page. She swims across the carpet, puts a biscuit in his hand. He eats without looking up. She swivels back, finds her place and resumes reading on her stomach. He reaches for a pen, makes a brief note. GIRL
(Calls across, breaking the silence.) Sortable! (French pronunciation.) He lifts his head. She reaches for a dictionary on the floor. GIRL
(To herself) Sortable. MAN
(Calls) Presentable. She flips the pages, finds the word and nods. MAN
Pas sortable means you can’t be seen out with him. She laughs briefly. They work.
GIRL
(Calls) Essayeur? (Looks in dictionary)... essayeur...essayeuse... MAN
Means fitter. As in tailoring. GIRL
Don’t think so. She rises, brings him her copy of Paris Match. He looks where she points, reads and laughs. MAN
(Looking up at her) Here it means a woman being tried out as a high-class escort. GIRL
(Leaning for a look) A whore you mean? MAN
That’s what the scandal’s about. He’s been rumbled, there’s the white flag (points at the page) - wife with the fixed smile clamped to his side. GIRL
Oh. (As he turns the pages to look at the pictures) Will he lose his job? MAN
No, no - whoever shopped him will be moved sideways. GIRL
For being a shit? MAN
For being bourgeois. Pas sortable. The GIRL laughs, jolts him on the shoulder as he turns a page. GIRL
Hold on - turn back. (Takes the magazine from him.) MAN
What? GIRL
(Points) Agynesse Dehn - English model - (excited) Kate Moss! MAN
(Looking) Mmm? GIRL
Only the topmost top model in the world. Emblems of the era, that’s what Spike calls them. (He looks puzzled. To herself) Jesus. (Aloud) Spike says if you wanna know about history sus the visuals. MAN
Who’s Spike? GIRL
Art master. (Turns a page, stabs at a picture.) Tam Johnson, latest male model. There are some cool older guys modelling now, so long as they’re not bald - a shaved head’s OK. (Looks at him speculatively.) MAN
And older women? GIRL
God no. MAN
Why? GIRL
Who wants to go to bed with a hag? In France maybe - you’re allowed to have sex over thirty and not get arrested, look at Jeanne Moreau. MAN
I’ll ring the travel agent. She smiles at him briefly, bends her head to the magazine turning the pages. GIRL
(Without lifting her head) Did you go to the hospital? MAN
Yup. GIRL
OK? MAN
Next appointment six months. GIRL
You have to go back? MAN
With prostate once you’ve got it what’s relevant is the rate of advance. GIRL
What’s yours? MAN
Not galloping. She yocks with laughter. He looks up. GIRL
Sorry - a galloping prostate - Clint Eastwood...(to herself) oh stop it, he’s only a hundred and one. MAN
Good looking man. GIRL
Bone structure. (Slight pause.) What if it does decide to gallop? MAN
They give you drugs. GIRL
Any good? MAN
Yup. GIRL
What does Ruby say? MAN
(Foreign accent) “Priéten, you are lost.” GIRL
Priéten? MAN
Means friend in Rumanian. GIRL
In other words “You’ve had it, mate.”
She’s worried about her billet. MAN
You think so? GIRL
She’s an illegal! MAN
(Shakes his head.) I keep telling her - Rumanians are welcome now! As my wife - GIRL
She’ll still be anxious. If you fall under a bus she’ll have to find another idiot. (Settles down with her magazine. Calls across) Why did you give her bed and board?
I don’t know why you did that. MAN
She could have been deported. OK now. GIRL
And you’ve lumbered yourself. I don’t know. (She flicks him a look of admiration for his gallantry.) What you should do is demand your marital rights, that’d see her off. MAN
Oh, get away. GIRL
(Laughs) No - she’d be grateful with that moustache. MAN
Very highly prized in Rumania - sign of a fertile woman. GIRL
I think they may have got something wrong there. MAN
I bearded virgin’ll get a hubbie with no dowry. GIRL
Especially if she smells of latrines. (Jumps up) I know - Air Freshener! MAN
No! GIRL
(Grabbing her bag) It’s OK, there’s one to mask dog’s pee when you’re walking a puppy. It’s called Fresh Air. MAN
What will they think of next? GIRL
(Pauses by the door.) D’you need anything? Pomegranate? Anti-oxidant, refines the complexion. No?
I’ll get a pineapple - longevity and genius guaranteed. MAN
(Calls as she goes) What are you cooking for your brothers tonight? GIRL
Leftovers and stewed apple.
MAN
Here.
(He fishes, hands her some money.) GIRL
Thanks! MAN
They’re growing lads. She laughs, happy with gratitude, and dashes off. He bends to his work.
SCENE 2 THE MAN’S GARDEN. A paved area with seating and pots, hedging and trees beyond. It is stylish. The MAN and the GIRL are enjoying the sun. He has taken off his jacket, lies back, eyes closed. She throws crumbs to the birds. MAN
(Murmurs) You’ll encourage the pigeons. GIRL
Don’t be mean. Share the planet. MAN
Who says? GIRL
Guru Winston. Writes in the local paper. Got one leg. MAN
Oh well! She throws crumbs for the birds, nudges him gently as one approaches...they watch and lift their heads together to see the bird fly off.
MAN
Robin. Mr Solo...loner - well, except when mating - tough little bird.. I put up a rat once. I was marking papers in a Cambridge conservatory and it ran over my foot. Damnedest thing...it stood there savvying its options, which weren’t great - looked up at me, strolled back over my shoe and buggered off.
I should have clobbered it. GIRL
But you didn’t? MAN
Pure defiance. Always humbling, courage in adversity. GIRL
Depends whether you’re standing your ground for a good cause or some mindless lash-out. (She thinks.) It could have been a lady rat with babies to protect. (They settle back to relax in the sun) I wonder if it’s true for non-mammals. MAN
What? GIRL
Mother-love. Do all species care for their young? MAN
Shouldn’t think so - most of them are more like components than the full monty, which doesn’t stop them stinging you. GIRL
Dear little aphids don’t bite. MAN
No, too busy guzzling - you should see my beans.
GIRL
They’ve got to eat something. MAN
Why me? GIRL
Well, they don’t realise. Unlike Uncle Norman, my father’s brother. MAN
Only conned him out of his share of the family home. Didn’t need it, he was loaded - a few bucks around Dad might not have pushed off.. MAN
Yes. (Slight pause.)
Families don’t always work. Still the best idea though. GIRL
(Laughs) Think so? MAN
In the end, yes. Too much freedom leads to bewilderment. You see it in children. Without parameters they don’t know who they are. GIRL
(Shakes her head.) Sure they do. OK, human beings get together when things go wrong but otherwise it’s take care of yourself. Who else does? MAN
Teachers, doctors, dentists - GIRL
(Cutting him off) That’s just maintenance. I’m talking about who’s in charge.
MAN
And who’s that? GIRL
Me! I’m not Snow White, some bird in a trance waiting for Leonardo di Caprio to kiss her awake. Who needs heros poncing all over the manor? The Anti-hero rules OK? MAN
(Laughs) If you say so. GIRL
I do, Galahad and Batman having warped off to Saturn decades ago along with young Lochinvar, whoever he was. MAN
What about the unfortunate? Are you saying kkkkk - (index finger across his throat with a harsh hiss) to what is it you call them - the patsies of this world? GIRL
Yes. Serve them right. MAN
For what? GIRL
For being fantasists. MAN
Oh come on! Even Einstein said the most important component of a successful life was luck. Some people thrive, for others it’s heads below the parapet.
.
GIRL
People are one-offs! That means You - you decide. Who else? MAN
A question of options. GIRL
OK, so sus the scene, figure the odds...toe in the water, take the plunge! MAN
And caveat emptor. GIRL
What does that mean? MAN
It’s Latin for watch it, buster. GIRL
Yeah, that and all. He smiles, lies back, relaxing. Starts to tap his fingers on his chest. GIRL
What? MAN
Oh nothing.
Just...
Perhaps an atavistic moment of yearning for something else...other...something poetic perhaps. I’m being romantic.
What do I know?
Totally unreliable. GIRL
What? MAN
Oh...feeling. GIRL
Feelings? MAN
Feelings.
Why do we still believe...?
Why these obstinate attachments to notions of - of - (throws up his hands, looking for the word.) GIRL
Of what? MAN
Gallantry. The moment. Rising to the occasion.
Complete bloody waste of time. GIRL
I don’t see why. If somebody does something special - MAN
But you can’t rely - you can’t depend on or guarantee the moment - GIRL
Sure it is in some people. Some people are naturally brave - or naturally timid - probably in their nature, runs in families. MAN
No. Take my word for it. Response to crisis - accident - never stable. Human beings have many qualities. Predictable, reliable response to stimuli - (shakes his head) - no. It’s why you have to hard-train soldiers. GIRL
To get them to fight. MAN
There again you never know, though it’s easier than you might suppose. GIRL
Well boys like fighting. Girls like dolls, boys like swords and guns. MAN
So if I fall in and Peter - you haven’t met him - jumps in after me I should tell him to fuck off, quit being a romantic prat, just let me get caught in the weed and drown. MAN
Now you’re being silly. GIRL
No, I’m not. MAN
Yes you are, you want a fight. GIRL
And you’re cruising for a bruising. A pause. He stirs at last. GIRL
What? He shakes his head, makes to subside, changes his mind. MAN
When you’re young you feel immortal and that can be exploited. It doesn’t last, gone by your twenties, sooner in battle - if you do dodge the Reaper it’s no more dreams of victory - it’s how do I survive?
If being brave looks like doing you in - The GIRL laughs. GIRL
Who wants to be a dead hero!
MAN
Glad you agree. A pause. He smiles to himself. GIRL
What? MAN
Oh nothing. GIRL
What? MAN
We had this little ginger, pink-eyed chap in the pay office - never opened his mouth except to say sorry. (He stops. She waits.) We were crossing this paddy field after a fairly rough morning - no cover, much too quiet - all of a sudden ginger streak takes off, sprints over the ground full-tossing hand grenades to extra cover, square leg like an England team fast bowler. Took out a whole bunker. Amazing. GIRL
Was he killed? MAN
No, probably because he was five foot nothing - dodgy target. When I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, he apologised, said the flies had been driving him up the wall and would I overlook it? GIRL
Wow. Did you give him a medal? MAN
Would have if he hadn’t stepped on a mine. Pause. GIRL
Were you brave? In Korea?
MAN
Of course not. Wars of futility promote highly sophisticated modes of self-preservation. GIRL
So you didn’t go in for valour? MAN
Only occasionally. GIRL
(Eager) Where? MAN
In the boxing ring usually. GIRL
You were a boxer? MAN
Amateur. GIRL
Pigeon-weight?
Fly-weight? MAN
Light-middle-weight. GIRL
Did you win? MAN
Yes...sometimes before the fights began. GIRL
You mean because they were fixed? MAN
No. You look in their eyes. GIRL
Your opponents?
And that tells you?
(She nods, digesting this.)
Did you enjoy it?
MAN
Boxing? Yes. It made me happy. Didn’t realise it at the time, you don’t. GIRL
Happy? To punch people? Why? MAN
Dunno. GIRL
Insanity - you could have damaged your brain. Probably did. MAN
Oh well, worth it for the bliss. GIRL
Bliss? MAN
Yes...a rare state. You see it in dogs sometimes - babies - young strikers after scoring before they’ve learned to cool it. GIRL
Strikers go berserk.
MAN
That’s triumphalism - not the same as joy. He picks up his jacket from the back of the bench. GIRL