This paper contained numerous awkward phrases, complex constructions, passive sentences, and extraneous material. The author wanted to write an essay explaining why he or she chose to go into dentistry, but too much of the paper was devoted to his or her electrical engineering. Since this was an admissions essay, the author undercut the paper’s argument by continually referring to bad grades, disillusionment, and mediocrity. The author included too much information that was off topic, and too much that made the author sound like a bad candidate for dental school.
To fix this, the extraneous material was cut out. Off-topic sentences were removed, and references to the author’s poor grades and mediocrity were rewritten to emphasize the author’s academic improvement over the course of his or her schooling. The author’s goal of becoming a “competent” dentist was amended to an “exceptional” dentist to reinforce the author’s enthusiasm for the profession.
In addition, the overly-complex sentence structure was simplified to make the essay more direct and engaging. Passive sentences were recast as active sentences, and awkward phrases resulting from the author’s use of English as a second language were standardized to reflect Canadian usage.
Overall, the tone and the cast of the essay were gently modified to emphasize the author’s strongest points and minimize the weakest.