Missing header! Incorrect spacing



Download 73,31 Kb.
Date conversion11.09.2018
Size73,31 Kb.
I
Missing header!

Incorrect spacing
ma Sample

Ms. Lawrynovicz

AP English III – 2

23 September, 2013


Very lame title! Try to be more creative than just using the title of the picture!

A Cavalry Orderly

I
This intro uses the first person in an acceptable way. You couldn’t get the personal reaction in red without using “I.” However, it is unlikely that you will have such a connection with your image. Please don’t let me see introductions that begin “As I was scrolling through the vast archives of National Geographic…” This is an intro that works, but it is not something you can replicate.

An unusual but workable thesis. Not as explicit about the emotional impact as it might be. It is relies on earlier parts of the intro to an extent (“it haunts me still,” etc.). A rather risky, sophisticated thesis in some ways, but verging on unclear as far as the emotional response is concerned.

Strong paragraph. Good, specific, concrete details. They all work to create a pretty clear picture, as well as a sense of fatigue and unease. There is some speculation here (why is the horse’s head turned), but the paragraph never descends into narrative. We can’t tell which direction they are facing, but that doesn’t make much of a difference, here.

Typo!!
n the vast holdings of the Library of Congress, far back on some dusty shelf, sits a photograph whose only identifying mark is the handwritten scrawl “A Cavalry Orderly.” Compared to its neighbors, it is an unremarkable picture. It can boast no image of a famous general, no shocking scene of battlefield gore. Its subject is anonymous, but somehow arresting. I stumbled across it years ago, when I was looking for something else entirely, and it haunts me still. That orderly and his horse come to me unbidden, when I drive past border patrol checkpoints in west Texas, when I fly into New York and see that gap-toothed skyline, when a student of mine boasts that he has joined the Marines. I can see the photograph now, as clearly as if it I held it in my hands. That stark landscape, that resigned set of the jaw, that grim grip on the rein, they say more about the cost of war than any book I have ever read.

Imagine it. In tones of muted gray, a soldier stands on a deserted hillside, shoulder to shoulder with his horse, both of them looking out into the distance. He is wearing a frayed and ill-fitted Civil War-era uniform, one so worn that it could easily be Union or Confederate. He squints into the dying sun as if trying to make out a figure in the distance, or as if gauging the approach of a thunderstorm. There is concern on his face, but a weary concern mirrored in the expression of the horse at his side. The shot gives us a perfect profile of his face, its rawboned planes and hollow cheek. The horse’s head, however, is turned slightly, as if she is anticipating a word from the soldier, or perhaps the presence of the cameraman has made her uneasy. Perhaps she has grown mistrustful during the war, and is keeping an eye on the stranger with his suspicious equipment while her rider’s attention is elsewhere.

T
Nice transition! Not formulaic, but a very natural progression from the closing thought of the last paragraph to the focus of the next one.

Another use of first person that is acceptable. There is no eloquent way to say this without using “I.” But this is partly acceptable because of the earlier personal connection established with the picture.
he edges of her left ear are slightly blurred, as if a stray drop of rain had fallen on the camera lens, causing just that spot to be out of focus. Of course the blur was probably caused by a movement of her ear, but it must have been the quickest flick of a movement because even the individual strands of her windblown mane stand out sharply, each snarl and tangle still in focus. In fact, you can even make out the swirled pattern on her neck where the hairs of her hide are whorled by dried sweat. Perhaps she heard the cry of some lonely, far off bird, or some slight shift in the soldier’s breathing, or the snick and thud of the graveyard shovel.

F
Again, good details that build on the tone set by the previous paragraph.



Another sophisticated transition! Nothing is formulaic about this organization.

Missing header!

S

Nice transition! Not formulaic, but a very natural progression from the closing thought of the last paragraph to the focus of the next one.

Another use of first person that is acceptable. There is no eloquent way to say this without using “I.” But this is partly acceptable because of the earlier personal connection established with the picture.
or make no mistake, this is a battlefield. Something about the roll of the land and the three stunted trees in the background whisper Antietam to me, but it is impossible to say. The trampled grass and rocky earth might just as well be Virginia’s or Kentucky’s. The only hint of carnage is the tiny form of another horse, saddled, but roaming loose, aimless behind them. Maybe it is this abandoned horse that makes the soldier’s mount momentarily turn her ear in that direction.

I
Good use of a comparison. This specificity helps get the tone across.



This is a little cheesy, but it works because of the contrast with what follows.
say her, although the angle makes it impossible to tell whether the horse is a mare or a gelding. There is no telltale refinement in the bones of the face, no residual crest in the neck to help us determine her sex. Still, there is something about her. I would not call it femininity, since all trace of softness has long since been ridden and starved out of her. She has a look of hardscrabble endurance about her that reminds me of those sepia-toned women in pictures from the Great Depression.

I
Excellent ending. It brings home the emotional reaction with a punch to the gut. The dependent clauses build up a desperate rhythm, which nicely complements the content. Clearly not a rehash of the intro! The haunting effect of the picture (the realization of how much war can strip from us) becomes quite clear here at the end.
have come to think of those two as friends, and I hope they survived the war.
The way they stand so comfortably in each other’s space suggests the ease of long companionship. But it is his tight grip on the rein that sticks like a splinter in my mind. Both man and horse pose in an exhausted attempt at parade rest, and yet he holds onto that one rein as if she might bolt and take with her his only hope of salvation, as if he fears he will lose his only connection to humanity if he lets go, as if in the second that it takes for the shutter to open and close, he might become something he would not recognize, just as his country had before his very eyes.

Missing header!


Works Cited



Gardner, Alexander. A Cavalry Orderly. 1862. Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.

Library of Congress. Web. 12 Sept. 2013.


Name:____________________________




A

B

C

D

F

Thesis
More like an A than a C in some ways. I like that it is not formulaic, but it does edge a bit too far into vague territory.

  • Strong thesis at or near end of introduction.

  • Mentions image and image’s mood or writer’s response in effective, sophisticated wording.

  • Clear thesis at or near end of introduction.

  • Mentions image and image’s mood or writer’s response.

  • May be more blunt or less eloquent than an A thesis.

  • Solid thesis at or near end of introduction.

  • May be rather vague.

  • Mood or effect suggested but not entirely clear.

See margin notes!



  • Thesis difficult to find: vague, incomplete, and/or out of place

  • May be mismatched with content of the paper.




  • Missing

  • No attempt at connection between image and effect

Evidence

Because the thesis is vague about the emotion, it is difficult to gauge how well the details work towards creating that mood at times, although overall the mood is clear



  • Specific

  • Concrete

  • Multiple senses addressed

  • Details are vividly described

  • Descriptions create a clear overall mood that matches the one promised in the thesis

  • Detailed, but less so than an A paper: more specifics needed, more concrete details needed, more senses might have been addressed.

  • Many of the descriptions tie back to the overall mood/thesis, but not all.




  • Adequate, but weak in spots: more specifics needed, more concrete details needed, more senses might have been addressed.

  • Some of the descriptions tie back to the overall mood/thesis, but not all.

  • May be more like a list of details than a paper focused on effect.

  • Weak or flawed throughout.

  • Vague descriptions with little concrete detail or specifics

  • Mood or effect unclear, very uneven, or does not match thesis

  • Vague generalizations or narrative writing instead of description

  • Little to no detail

  • No clear attempt at creating a mood or specific effect on the reader




Organization

  • Some paragraphs not in most effective order

  • Rather formulaic structure to paper or paragraph(s)

  • Some awkward transitions

  • Formulaic or arbitrary paragraph order/progression

  • Uneven paragraph development

  • Formulaic structure

  • Rough transitions

  • Illogical progression of ideas

  • Problematic organization of paragraphs

  • Lack of topic sentences

  • Missing transitions

  • Illogical progression of ideas

  • No paragraphs

  • Missing transitions

Format / Mechanics
Spacing problems, page margins, headers, etc.

  • Few to no grammatical or spelling errors

  • Correct MLA format

  • 3-5 minor grammatical or spelling errors (agreement, apostrophes, etc.)

  • Mostly correct MLA format

  • 9-6 grammatical or spelling errors: some major (comma splices, fragments, etc.)

  • Incorrect MLA format

  • 10 or more grammatical or spelling errors: some major (comma splices, fragments, etc.)

  • Incorrect MLA format

  • Persistent grammatical or spelling errors: many major (comma splices, fragments, etc.)

  • No attempt at MLA format

Language

  • Clear, coherent prose

  • Slightly less precise word choices

  • Sentence lengths and structures vary somewhat

  • Language hinders reader’s understanding

  • Many problematic word choices

  • Sentence lengths and structures very basic

  • Language erratic and hinders reader’s understanding





90

Evidence is weighted most heavily. This paper is also given credit for the risks it takes, and the ambition to write something more complex than the “safe” essay. Those characteristics push it from a B+ to the A-.


Overall Grade: _______


The database is protected by copyright ©sckool.org 2016
send message

    Main page