Is Christmas Too Commercialized Now? By: Rui Zhang



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Is Christmas Too Commercialized Now?

By: Rui Zhang

Imagine an important and happy holiday, now used mostly to gain large amounts of money! Is Christmas too commercialized now? I think yes. Christmas is too commercialized now for many different reasons. Three reasons I think Christmas is too commercialized are: Christmas is more about presents and gifts than spending time with your family, 11% of children taking a recent survey said that Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus, and stores start putting out Christmas decoration in October.

The first reason why I think Christmas is too commercialized is Christmas is more about presents and gifts than spending time with your family. In the past, families would gather around a fire and enjoy grandma and grandpa’s (any adult’s) childhood Christmas memories. Today, families do not gather around a fire and tell memories. Instead Christmas now is all about the presents and gifts. Since Christmas today is all about presents and gifts, parents have to spend huge amount of money on presents and gifts.

The second reason why I think Christmas is too commercialized now is 11% of children who took a recent survey said the Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. The result from the recent survey obviously shows kids are becoming misled. Since there are so much attention on presents, children do not see what Christmas is for. Christmas used to be for giving and spending time with family. Now it is all about the present and kids/people have forgotten or do not know what the true meaning of Christmas is.

The third reason why I think Christmas is too commercialized now is stores start putting out Christmas decorations in October. The businesses would make a profit, and the best time for them to make profit is Christmas season. The focus of Christmas for many Christians is the birth of Jesus, but the commercialization of Christmas has resulted in the focus on spending, wrapping, giving, and visiting. Businesses really want to make a profit and we can see this in the increasing commercialization of Christmas everywhere we look during the months October through December.

I think Christmas is too commercialized now for a variety of reasons. Three reasons are: people are more concerned about presents than spending time with your family, 11% of children who did a up-to-date view said that Christmas was the day when Santa Claus was born, and stores begin setting out Christmas decorations in October. For all these reasons, I think Christmas is too commercialized now.

Teacher’s comments:

You have maintained your neat organization and improved your grammar. Good job. The reasons to support your opinions are more relevant too.

But you can still dig deeper to improve the relevance. Imagine you are trying to convince someone who does not know very much about Christmas or the related names, you should elaborate a little bit more. When we write, we have to be aware that our readers can be anyone. It is possible that your reader does not know very much about Christmas, Santa Claus, Jesus, etc. You can use a simple sentence to introduce their identities. I often read various essays and some are of a specialty of which I know very little. But I find most of the essays or literature I read are easy to understand and convincing, because the authors have taken into consideration of my ignorance of certain term or background and they would explain the ones that are key to their points. In your case, you need to consider the need of people from, say, an African country who have limited knowledge of Christmas or the origin of Santa Claus. Those reader need to know who Santa Clause is. Actually Santa Clause was a creation of a commercial event and the fact he, instead of Jesus, becomes the main role in Christmas would be a very strong evidence to your opinion: Christmas is too commercialized.

The third argument you focus on the timing: October. How is that related to commercialization? A reader would need some more direct background or some figures to link that timing to over commercialization. One would ask then when is a reasonable time to celebrate Christmas? If you have some facts showing that traditionally people started celebrating Christmas at a much later time, but due to increasing commercial competition to obtain more customers the business people advanced the time for celebration of Christmas, that would be more convincing.

In short, you need to make the link between your reason and your opinion more obvious and easier for readers to conclude the same opinion.

Teacher’s suggestions:

As I mentioned earlier, you need to strengthen your reasoning and become more convincing. The only way to achieve that is to write more, or at least think more. Whenever you try to argue about something or convince people, try to make your argument very reasonable and convincing, in other words, try to have the reader have the same conclusion as you do through your logical reasoning, even without your stating your opinion. You have already gotten better but you still have room to improve.



Also, continue reading more. I notice your effort to better your grammar and improve your expression. Reading would be helpful for both.


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